Dream 1: The Lottery Tickets
Date: Late September, 2019
It started (I think this was the first scene) with me sitting alone in a dark room (a restaurant/bar in a cellar) behind a table. On the table there were three small paper packets, from somewhere I got the impression that these were lottery tickets. It was so dark in the room where I sat at the table (black) with the “lottery tickets” but I didn’t find the dark room, or the dark table, scary. I just sat there, relaxed. I could see the things around me and I noticed the details of the bar counter and the glasses hanging. The three “lottery tickets” were so different – one thicker with more sheets and an image on the front, the other two thinner, without images. I found the image on the thickest lottery ticket difficult to discern. It wasn’t a number. I couldn’t see what it was. I felt that someone else was telling me that the packets were lottery tickets, i.e. I did not perceive the packets as lottery tickets from the beginning. What I do recall clearly from the dream is that the voice came from the right behind me. I could not see the person and I’m not sure the person was even in the room. The voice was saying “these are just lottery tickets”. Now I realize it may have been me talking to myself.
I walked among the hills (like those in Fylke where the hobbits live, in the Lord of the Rings). In the far distance I saw some, probably just two, people. In the near distance a man with a beard appeared. I was walking on a small path turning to the right on the verge of a hill. The man with the beard was walking beside the path.
Memories and concerns with associations to “The Lottery Tickets”.
Recent memory 1
I met Stella (my daughter) on Thursday September 19th, to paint in watercolour and I think my dream may have happened the night after, or during the following weekend (in my dream diary I only have noted “late September”). This recent memory may have been the trigger for the dream (see Decoding dreams for more explanation about triggers and day-residues).
Recent memory 2 (see also On-going concern 4)
It may be that there was a misunderstanding between Frank (one of my sons) and me on the weekend of the dream (I checked it in my calendar and we met that weekend) but I can’t remember anything specific.
On-going concern 1
I have often thought about the possibility of winning a lot of money with dreaded delight because it could mean being completely independent financially but at the same time totally dependent on taking care of the money wisely.
On-going concern 2
Ken and I have one older son, Frank and twins (Matthew and Stella). Frank’s birth was a normal delivery but Stella and Matthew’s was a “catastrophic one” – an emergency caesarean, both twins together weighed less than Frank, Stella was only 1710g. I must add that now it seems our children are equally successful – but the situations of the two births were so very different and it may be that their differing starts in life has always been a concern of mine. As with winning a lot of money, taking care of children and interacting wisely with them, as adults, is a considerable responsibility.
Recent concern 3
I have been reading Ishiguro’s “The Unconsoled” during the past weeks and thought it was almost unbearable to read about how Ryder’s (the main character) life plans/intentions continually were obstructed by chance coincidences and responsibilities related to other people.
Remote memory 4
Every midsummer – also this year – we visit the party venue where the local sports association organizes a dance around the midsummer bar for the children, lotteries and a cafeteria, to raise money for their sports activities.
Remote memory 5
A memory that goes back a long time is that, together with my parents and brothers, I also participated in this kind of festivities, then arranged by a private home association in connection with things like Christmas celebrations. I also remember that my Dad sometimes bought so-called money lottery tickets when he felt he could afford it and wanted to celebrate something.
On-going concern 4
Frank once (he was just 2 years old!) asked me “Do you like papa?” which caused a lot of emotional stress in me as Ken (my husband) and I had had the first crisis in our marriage (without any big quarrels or anything like that, so how did Frank know?). Since then I feel Frank understands me very well emotionally, maybe better even than my husband. There was an occasion when I was surprisingly criticized and hurt by one of my in-laws. Frank was the only one in the family (all were present) who defended me. I am still very impressed about him doing this. I would like him to know how I feel. I have thought of bringing it up but haven’t found a suitable situation yet.
Remote memory 6
I suddenly recall that Ken and I went to Ireland in the summer 1994 with with our children, Frank, Matthew and Stella. I had brought with me the third volume of the Lord of the Rings, which I finished during the holiday. I think the Irish landscape resembles the landscape of Fylke, in the Lord of the Rings. I was emotionally very moved by the Rings story, which ends with the death of Frodo, who sacrificed his life to destroy the evil ring. The ring had the amazing ability to make you invisible, but also that it exerted strain on your body every time you put it on. The ring-story is very dark.
Before the kids arrived, Ken and I visited Ireland on two other occasions. Then we visited pubs of course.
What does “The lottery tickets” mean?
In terms of the non-obvious associations, which convey the meaning of the dream. First, the pubs that we visited in Ireland seem to be associated with the cellar bar in Scene 1 of the dream. Second, the darkness of the bar is also associated with the darkness of the Lord of the Rings story. Third, the ring from the Lord of the Rings may be associated with the lottery tickets because it brought power but was also a burden. Fourth, the power of the ring to make you invisible may be associated with the invisible person in Scene 1. Fifth, the thicker “lottery ticket” could be associated with the small number of watercolour paintings I did with Stella. Sixth, the image I couldn’t discern may be associated to my difficulties to achieve what I wanted with my painting, while Stella is really good at that.
I think the three lottery tickets may also represent our three children in a metaphorical way (see metaphors in Decoding dreams), especially as one ticket/packet was different (my older son) and the other two similar (the twins). My thought at first was that the thicker one with an image represents Frank, the oldest, and the other, similar ones, represents the twins, Stella and Matthew. But it may be that Stella is the thicker one because she is different being a daughter and also because the image on the front may be associated with the watercolours we did together. Another idea is that the thicker may represent Matthew as he seems to “surf” through life, taking things in his stride while Stella and Frank have been more open about their life challenges. It could be that I can’t decide which lottery ticket represents which child because of the uncertainties attached to their futures and the unequal chances we all have in our lives.
In Scene 2 there are three people and me. These people may be my three children but in the dream I don’t recognise them. The man with the beard, the one I meet first, may be Frank as he is the eldest and weighed most at birth. Frank has a beard, which grows fast, much faster than Matthew’s. The two people I see in the distance may then be Stella and Matthew. It is interesting that Frank is walking beside the path I am on. I think he is the most rebellious and critical of our children. Another thought is that “we can’t meet”, which is also true as misunderstandings happen more often with him than with the other two. But, on the other hand, in the dream he is the closest of my three children to me and is approaching me ( see On-going concern 4).
What does it reveal about me?
In terms of what the dream reveals about me. I am alone and have difficulties with understanding the lottery tickets. The memories/concerns in the dream portray responsibilities (money, children and relationships) as too heavy (unbearable and sacrificing aspects of my life), but difficult to change (alone, lottery, distance and misunderstanding). I think the dream tells me I’m worried about myself. Also I wonder if I have done what I should with my life, given my responsibilities. The dream also tells me I’m worried about what other people, especially my children, may think. I would like them to know more about my life but I can’t tell them, partly because of consideration about other peoples’ feelings, partly because I think they don’t want to know.
My self-image in wakefulness tells me I am, and have been, both open and honest about the important things in my close relationships with my family and close friends. I also believe I can handle my responsibilities. However, I think the dream means/reveals that I can’t. I’m disappointed with myself because I am burdened with responsibilities. Ever since the first crisis in my marriage, I have had worries like this in my waking life, but always found them manageable. I thought this was something that happens to everyone. During the last years, however, the worries have become deeper. The dream tells me some reasons for that but I still don’t know what to do.